If you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s not unusual to fall into a rut. As a relationship coach, I love helping couples reconnect. Here are some of my best tips to spice up your relationship so you’ll both feel rejuvenated, enlivened and connected again.
Try New Things
Brainstorm, without censoring, a list of enjoyable things you’d each like to do with the other. This can include everything from vacations, retreats, and workshops to trying some new sensual or sexual activities. If one of you is usually the planner or the instigator, let the other person “drive.” Try to be a good sport and say yes if it works for you. Keep a running list and keep experimenting.
Be Playful Together
How can you bring more playfulness and humor into your relationship? What makes you laugh? Think pillow fights, wrestling, tickling, joking, playing cards or board games, and have some fun together.
Make time for each person to share whatever is present for them. Sit close where you can look into each other’s eyes and take a few breaths together. One partner will share for 5 to 10 minutes. For the speaker, this is a time to share about your own experience: feelings, thoughts, dreams, fears, joys, etc. without blaming or criticizing. For the listener, your only role is to listen with an open heart without interrupting and respond with “thank you.” Take a breath together, then switch roles. Circle back later for any problem-solving.
Sometimes we do things for our partners to express our love, but they don’t feel it. Are you speaking each other’s Love Language? Take the Love Languages (5lovelanguages.com) quiz and share your answers.
Make Time for Yourself
Are you still developing and growing as individuals? Do you spend time pursuing your own interests? When we make time to do things separately, we feel enriched and bring that freshness back into our relationship.
Plan Sensual and Sexual Adventures
Find some private, uninterrupted time when you both have the energy and psychic space to be together in a present way. If it’s difficult to find the time, then you’ll need to get curious. How important is it to be sexual together? Why does sex matter to you? How often would you like to be having sensual or sexual experiences together?
Make a date to enjoy the sweet and juicy experience of simply being sensual together. Take turns giving and receiving. Start with gentle loving touch and explore your partner’s body from head to toe. Use your hands, hair, lips, cheeks, or other body parts. Use objects such as a feather, silk scarf, comb, or hairbrush. Vary the pressure and the pace. The receiver’s role is to relax, receive and give feedback if needed.
Discuss sexual activities that each of you would like to try. For each idea, talk about whether it is a “yes,” “no” or “maybe” for you. Honor each other’s answers, and remember the answers may change over time. How can you co-create experiences that include these ideas?
If any difficulties arise that you can’t resolve or if one or both of you aren’t interested, then it’s time to get support from a coach or counselor, either individually or as a couple. Investing in your relationship is worth it.
Follow these tips to create the joyful, connected and spicy relationship you desire!